Dear Pastor,

I am 26 and I met this 31-year-old man a year ago. When I met him he told me he was going through a very hard time in his life. He said he was single for more than a year and had just lost his child under tragic circumstances. I started dating him because I liked him and thought we could have a good relationship.

During that year of our relationship, we never talked unless I rang him and he never visited me unless I invited him over. When we are together he treats me with respect and is very loving and attentive. I could not ask for a better boyfriend. We have long conversations all through the night, share common interests and are both furthering our education. We only have sex twice a month, as he makes excuses to not make love to me.

I am very beautiful and when we do make love, it is very good. He says he enjoys making love to me and he likes what we have going on between us. He works very hard and he does not refuse to spend his money on me. I work hard too but I never make excuses that I am too tired to see him. I love this man but I know he is depressed. I have suggested counselling, but he refuses. I suggested antidepressants but he refuses to even think about it.

I lost a family member recently and was very grief-stricken and had to undergo counselling. So, with my experience, I try to tell him it is not a bad idea. I even told him I would go with him but he still refuses. Sometimes I feel like ending our so-called relationship. I doubt very much he is cheating on me because when I do call him he is either at work or home alone. He smokes every night to fall asleep and on the weekend he drinks and smokes excessively. I know I love him but I love myself more than I love him. Everyone says I am wasting my time with him. What do you think?

C.K.

Dear C.K.,

Counselling means nothing to a person if he/she does not see the need for it. You know this guy needs professional help and his condition is likely to worsen if he does not get help. However, you can only encourage him to get help but you cannot force him.

You say he is a caring and helpful man. Nevertheless, I must tell you this relationship is unlikely to last unless this man comes to realise his attitude will affect the good thing both of you are having together.

If he does not get help, he may even quit school and give up on life. I must also warn you that although you are enjoying having sex with him, you are going to regret what you are doing because, right now, whether you know it, he is only having sex to please you.

Please do not encourage him to take antidepressant tablets. Continue to encourage him to go for help.

Pastor