DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM? IS SOMETHING BOTHERING YOU?

WRITE TO: TELL ME PASTOR, DR AARON DUMAS, PO BOX 188, KING STREET, KINGSTON. TELEPHONE: 929-1667/8. EMAIL: PASTOR@JAMAICASTAR.COM

Dear Pastor,

I have a problem that needs to be dealt with. I am 26 years old and a mother of one child. I met my spouse when I was 22 years old. I left my parents house and moved in with him. He's a businessman and we did things together such as travel abroad. I had my son when I was 24 years old.

I have no freedom in this relationship; meaning, he has to have the last say in everything, even the way I style my hair. I told him I wanted to learn how to drive a car and that became a problem. I told him I wanted to pursue something in my field because I am creative, and that is a problem.

He owns a reputable business but I have no say in it as his woman. If I am going anywhere, he has to come along. If I am not going anywhere, I am expected to stay inside the house while he's out doing God knows what.

I don't get a salary from him to buy what I want or save in an account. He controls the money. When his family comes to visit, he rents cars and gives them to drive, but I can't learn how to drive.

I've tried talking to him about my goals and career, but my words fall on deaf ears. I am good-looking, intelligent and I have a good personality. I know that I can do my- self justice. Before I met him, I was taking a course, learning how to drive and sitting my CXCs. I also worked in the field of customer service.

Since we've been together I've not looked at another man. It seems he feels threatened by my potential. I only socialize with his friends. I told him of my interest in opening a hair salon, but he dismissed the idea, saying it would not be beneficial to me or him. Most of my time is spent in the house preparing his meals.

He is in his 40s and experienced. I feel he is manipulating me. He gets aggressive and beats me if we have a disagreement. He claims we are working together but I have no say in anything. I feel as if I am living in his shadow.

He wants me to be totally dependent on him and I feel trapped. He told me once that I didn't help him to buy his house. Once, I even saw a receipt for a hotel that we did not stay at.

I am a good woman. The only time I get upset is when he's out and doesn't call or when his phone is ringing and he refuses to answer it. When he does answer, he goes outside to take the call. I feel he is hiding something from me. I checked his phone a few times and saw messages from other women. Pastor, I am not perfect, but I am trustworthy.

In the midst of this all, I am thinking about my son. Please, Pastor, help me. I need your sound advice.

N., Jamaica

Dear N.,

What you need right now is to realize that if you remain with this man for another five years, you will not be better off than you are today. It is unfortunate that you went to live with this man. He still sees you as an inexperienced young woman, tagging on to his coat-tails.

He is not a good man. He is inconsiderate, insensitive and manipulative. You have to leave this man as soon as possible. In fact, you should plan to leave him by the end of the year. You will never be happy staying with him as he will not change. Already he has told you that you did not help him to buy his house. That means that you can't tell him what to do.

May I suggest that you go and see a lawyer and put your case before him or her. I am encouraging you to do so because you may need some protection. This man is violent, the lawyer will advise you what to do. I repeat, do not stay with him. He wants to control you and one of the ways in which he can do that is to keep you dependent on him.

Think of it, are you better off today than when you met him? I am sure the answer is no. You can't drive, you don't have a career and the man is not giving you a weekly or monthly allowance.

Pastor