Dear Pastor,

From a child of God to another, I extend a big hello to you. I am a regular reader of your column and I enjoy it a lot. There is a problem I have that I need advice on. I have what many may refer to as trust issues. I think it stems from my observation of my father's treatment of his mother and his wife. As a result, I constantly wonder if my boyfriend of three years is as genuine as everyone says he is. I cannot help but treat him harshly because my guard is up. I constantly push him away which, I think, is hurting the relationship. He is very close to my best friend. They share a lot, so whenever my guy and I have a falling-out, he would explain the situation to her and she would speak to me. She tells me that most of our problems occur because I am too protective of my heart.

Recently, I've noticed that he has hickeys, but his excuses are causing me to believe that he is unfaithful more than ever. I would be a hypocrite, though, if I should hide the fact that I have cheated on him. Vulnerability led me to those instances. Even after I gave him that piece of information, he still insisted that he was not with someone else.

He has started to change. He rarely talks to me. As a result, our problems are taking a toll on me. I am becoming worried and even envious of my sisters' and friends' relationships because I am not receiving those little material things from him. I'm not, by any degree, a gold-digger. The simplest things mean the world to me but there are certain things a man should provide, which he is not doing.

We both will be attending distant colleges next semester but I need to know if I should leave him behind or stay and see if things will get better between us. I have been to God on several occasions about this. Please, help me. What should I do about this guy, who I care so much about?

A.H., Clarendon, Jamaica

Dear A.H.,

Well, in the first place, you have to learn to be truthful to yourself. You claim that you pushed this man away because you saw how your father treated his mother and his wife. You did not try to nurture your relationship and develop trust in this man nor allow this man to develop trust in you. While you wanted a relationship, you were also cheating. And, you did so many times. You don't have any charge on this man, because, while you suspected that he was cheating, you were doing the same. He has never asked whether you were cheating, you were the one who told him that you were.

Since you gave him that valuable information, the relationship has gone downhill. How do you expect him to accept what you have done as the norm? You never treated him well from the beginning. Why, then, are you now behaving as if you want him in your life? The truth is this man should run from you as fast as he can and stay away. You think too much of yourself and, as a result, have messed up your relationship with this man. Frankly, I hope that he will never come back to you. You're too bold-faced and self-centred.

If you want to have a good relationship, you must learn to behave yourself and not give the impression that a man has to bow down to you and that you can do anything that you want and the man would stick around. Your father might have treated his mother and his wife poorly but you should not use your father's behaviour to judge all men.

Pastor