Dear Pastor,

I am a 25 years old single mother. My child's father and myself were together on and off for about 10 years. My problem is this; since I met my child's father, he continues to keep me guessing. He is nine years older than me. He withheld his age from me for several years. By the time he told me his real age, I was already in love with him. He withheld the fact that he has a child from a previous relationship, and again by the time I found out, I was in love so, I stayed. While we were together he got his ex-girlfriend pregnant and again, I stayed. He told me that his mother was his aunt and he hid me from her. He would sneak me in and out of his house. After a while I got frustrated and asked him why I didn't know his mother and he told me not to worry I will know her soon. When I met his mother, it wasn't in a formal setting. It was on our way to the hospital when he had to undergo surgery.

While we were together, I expressed to him that I would like to meet his children and again he told me that I will meet them soon and I haven't met them at all. Furthermore, every time I ask about them, for example: I would ask how are your daughters doing? And he would respond by saying why do you always ask about my kids, they have nothing to do with you and me, and then I would respond by saying, "Yes they do if you want us to have a future, then I need to know them." I told him that our children will be his daughters' siblings and it means a lot to me to know them.

Unborn child's safety

We got engaged in 2006 and I was so happy. I thought things would change between us, and that I would finally meet his children. I got pregnant not too long after and everything went down hill from there. I ended up breaking off the engagement while I was three months' pregnant because he beat me. He sat on me and dragged me across the floor like a mop. I feared for my unborn child's safety and also for my own. When I broke up with him, he told me he will kill himself and that I'm the reason why he's sick because he's fretting about me. He's diabetic and I guess it's not good for him to be stressed.

During our entire relationship he would say things like, I should date someone my own age or someone with a dark complexion, or he's not good looking enough for me and I should be with someone who takes pictures. He doesn't take pictures and that bothers me as well. When we hang out he would have his phone off and when I mention it to him, he gets defensive and says what his phone has to do with us. And if his phone is on, he won't answer all the incoming calls. He always goes on unexpected trips. He would say to me on a Monday, I'm going away on Tuesday and when I ask him so where is your luggage, he would say, "I have clothes there." When he would supposedly come back, he would call me out of the blue and say that he's back.

Very controlling

He is very controlling and obsessive. He would wait outside of my work, my home and even my friends' houses, to see who I hang out with. He would attack my male friends and accuse them of sleeping with me. Everything that he's ever done for me he would throw it in my face and say do you know how much money I spend on you and what have you spent on me. He would say he's the reason that I'm successful because he drove me to work, job interviews and orientations. I am still in love with him although we are not together. It bothers me knowing that we can not get along. We argue almost every day while we were together and now that we are not.

He came over one night and in his sleep he called me another female's name and when I asked who she was, he said it's just a name and then when I got upset about it, he said she's a family friend and that why am I getting mad when I broke off the engagement, and that's why we are not together so I shouldn't get mad. He's an excellent father, but I'm still in love with him. But deep down in my gut, I feel that I cannot be with him because I cannot turn a blind eye to the things that bothers me about his character.

Please, pastor, I am in need of your advice.

M. A., Toronto, Canada

Dear M. A.,

I hope you get angry with me, but even if you do, I must tell you the truth. You stayed much too long with this man. He did enough to let you know that he was a con man. You should not have got engaged to him. You should be glad that both of you are no longer together. And I wish to suggest to you that you make an appointment to see a family counsellor who would help you to cope now that the relationship has ended.

Pastor