Dear Pastor,

I'm a woman married for 10 years. My husband and I have been together for 15 years and we have two kids. I have a problem. My husband told me a secret over the phone. The secret is he has a daughter who is 11. He told me this secret one and a half years ago. My son is 13 and his daughter is 12. One week after he told us his secret, he took my boys over to his mom's home to meet his daughter. I went to pick up the boys and my son brought over four girls, three of them were their cousins. The other girl my son said was his sister that he had met that day. Then I realised why he would never bring the kids over his mom's house. I guess the time my kids asked to go over there the daughter must have been there.

His mom doesn't call me to ask about my kids. The only time she calls me is when she wants something. Out of the 15 years that her son and I have been together, she took my kids out twice. She wants my husband to be her husband, but he is her son. He has to do anything and everything for her. I told him that now that the secret is out, he doesn't have to do everything his family tells him to do anymore.

One-night stand

My husband told me 12 years ago that he had a one-night stand with someone. I forgave him and we moved on with our lives. He asked me to marry him, and I said yes. We got married and still he didn't tell me any secrets. His mother and I are not close. I stay away from her because I got a vibe from her that she was very jealous of our relationship. I received a message on our answering machine from his aunt stating that she wanted him to pay child support, but it was a joke. I asked him why would his aunt call and play a game like that and he said she's just crazy. Then a month later he called me when he left for work to tell me about the child. I asked him why he kept this a secret for so long. He was afraid that someone was going to tell me so he had to tell me first. I asked him who else knew about this and he said his entire family except for me and my kids. He and his mother sent the girl to Florida to live and he sent money every month so I wouldn't find out.

ANOTHER AFFAIR

Now this past six months he said he had another affair with someone he works with. Someone put pictures with a note to me in my mail box. I confronted him and he said he didn't know the person. I showed him the picture and he said it was someone who is a friend and nothing was going on. He buys his mother any and everything. They even have a chcquing account together and we don't. I asked him if he wanted to live with his mother he said no, he wants to be with me and his kids. I don't trust this man nor his family. I never trusted his family and now I hate them. I have so much anger in me.

I try to work things out because of our kids. My son wants his dad with us. I told him that his daughter is not welcome in my home. I have nothing against her, but it took him 11 years to tell me this secret. I told him to wait another 11 years before she is welcome in my home because I should have known first. My husband let that be his mom and his decision. He is not to talk to me regarding anything to do with his daughter. I told him he wanted that to be his and his mother's decision, therefore, he should continue to talk to his mom regarding her. I have no problem with him seeing her.

Do you think I'm wrong for feeling the way I feel? Please, pastor give me your advice.

S.M., Connecticut, USA

Dear S.M.,

You are so wrong. You need to calm down and stop saying dirty things about your husband's mother. No wonder she doesn't have much to do with you. You need to wash your mouth.

You are not behaving as a good woman. It was fear that caused your husband not to tell you about the child he fathered. He should have told you earlier. Why not put the matter behind you and move on. Change your attitude, madam.

Pastor