What a gwaan massive! It's a party weekend! Lawd mi excited! Negril nuh good again! Wuss like how mi dig dung inna mi husband pocket, so mi have money fi spen, fi spen, fi spen! Who naw come dung deh, oonu can tek time out an link mi pon hotgal-cherry@hotmail.com.
NO MORE BACKUP! STEP FORWARD IN JESUS NAME!
Woi! What a stress inna mi lef breas! Mi Gospel backup fren mi see yuh inna di paper deh doh! What a way being di back up woman, sorry mi mean singer, start pay off fi yuh eeh? When mi see yuh pictuh mi did tink a fi one different reason! Heh hey! Di good book say anything done in darkness muss come to light, so yuh cyan blame mi fi deh tink odda tings when mi see di pictuh. Hush. Di amount a drama inna di Christian world serious like hell fiyah! Lawd.
STOP TELL LIE; HAVE A KONSHENS
Konshens - File photos
A whaappen to people and dem foolishness man? Who did tell all 'dem' deh say Konshens song Winner did get banned? Den haffi a do follow up story say it nuh true. Dat mek sense? Now as fi you Miss Amy A. Di email wha yuh send mi few day ago bout Konshens song promoting violence and Natural Bridge a get big up fi one violent song - bwoy, mi dear, mi nuh know wha fi tell yuh say. People love it cause it have a vibe and people hungry inna di country and everybody waan believe say tings a go get better and dem a go be di winner dis year. Hush. Mi nuh know; cause yuh email campaign did even shock me.
FUNGUS RETREAT
Mi say massive, smaddy tell mi sinting wha have mi skin pon fiyah. One tourist come from Germany and hear bout one upscale salon, so of course like any normal smaddy, she carry har pickney deh fi a haircut. Lawd have mercy! Massive! Mi say loeth and beholdeth, couple day later, so-so fungus full up di pickney head like cactus needle!
So anyway, di tourist tek a deep breath and carry di pickney go show di salon owner and mek her know say dem need fi pay fi har pickney head sore dem! Di owner write one check and when di tourist go fi go cash di check yuh hear say di salon owner cancel it! Di people dem haffi get vex and march go roun a station like how Mavado did do wid di whole a Cassava Piece fi get it sort out. Loeth and beholdeth, when yuh hear from di shout, di barber roun deh a say MAYBE some ting did deh pon him shears or dem never clean good! Oonu can imagine say wi caan go hairdresser an barber carefree again? We haffi go wid black light and fungus tester? Oonu salon battafoot, oonu nuh innovative wid bleach and cleanser but oonu innovative wid fungus doh!
FULLY FROWSY
Sharon, wha really gwaan wid Fully Loaded? Mi a tell yuh di way how mi vex mi start tun green like Incredible Hulkesha! One show can so flop? Have mercy woman! Mi know say yuh wuk hard cause fi di whole night yuh a ride up and dung pon bike back fi get people in line, but lawd! Almost every artiste and sound get boo, not to mention at one point di whole a fi me section start siddung pon grung; Kaboom, TAE and wi next fren siddung and sleep pon one anodda! At one point mi haffi knee Kaboom innah har back fi she gitup! No man!
MC Nuffy
Pon a different note: Nuffy, so wha if di people dem nuh waah yuh MC fi Sumfest? Wi haffi hear bout it fi di whole night? Stacious, yuh nuh realise say at one point, a Spice talk yuh mek inna yuh song bout 'if di ... did clean di ... wouldn't stray'? Rodney, suppose yuh did drive ovah mi foot when di show did done? Yuh nevah see mi stan up infront a yuh jeep wha yuh speed come dung eena wid yuh iron foot? Yuh mek mi nervous man! Wussarah because we did surrounded by so-so bush; if nuttin did happen wi wouldn't know which one fi find yuh behind! And Sharon, whe di nex Sharon deh? Mi hear say she nuh deh bout again. Shocking.
TEK YUH 5 MINUTE
VIDEO LIGHT!
Now massive, mi get one joke wha mi can't keep to miself. One particular smaddy did obviously offended by wha mi say bout har last week and go dig dung mi email address from God knows whe fi email mi undah fake name. Now, how mi know say a yuh? As soon as di show done, yuh sen one email bitter like sowah face lion and ready fi cuss. Babes, yuh nuh famous, yuh nuh have no media fanatic who woulddah go search out mi email, which mi mek sure mi nevah publish last week fi dis same reason, cause oonu a stalker!
So wha if mi say yuh fool? Yuh get yuh 15 minutes of fame and ongle five out a it did worth it! Yuh a come ask so-so question wha wi already know di answer to and a beat up yuh chess like it significant. Yuh nuh tink we have BET? Yuh nuh hear Nikki talk di tings bout Rap artiste dem inna di mornings? So wha mi a wait fi hear, a question like, wha mek him feel say him own auto-tune and when deh mek dis bag a noise di odda day say di artiste dem a tief him style cause a him invent deh style deh. Why him feel him need it, and him can sing? Who a di 'elephant' inna di rap game wha him call a circus and DAT'S WHY HIM START DRESS SO? Blah, blah. But when yuh a ask bout inspiration fi song, when everybody are know dat it are on his married fingah already - babes, please. Den yuh go mek yuh talk bout if mi vex cause a nuh Milk or Candice do di interview? Milk you of all people suppose to find dis funny; cause yuh know say more time yuh get pon mi nerves wid yuh immature ting. Mi laugh so till, cause mi a say, deh ooman yah deh pon a substance yaw man. Den tek it a step further a say me nuh know good journalism. Heh hey! Oh ye foolish battafoot don't mek di patois fool yuh! Tek yuh one mention inna di column and move along!
Latah massive! Party safely!
Stacious - Contributed
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