The Editor, Sir:

I am a 24-year-old woman and I am yet to know the joys of living. I am not totally innocent of all crimes but I feel I need to ease my pain.

Ever since I was a child I grew up with a constant pain and confusion. I fail to recall most of my childhood except when he first touched me. I wasn't even in high school as yet when my virginity was taken. I trusted him, he was family and I never understood how bad it was until I was a teenager.

That's when the guilt kicked in, the things he made me do and what he in return did to me. He stole my childhood and I too was guilty because after a time I wanted him to touch me and have sex with me. I felt dirty, my body a betrayal and I hid the fact that I became a sex addict. At age 13 I was having sex with men I had no feelings for. Big men, then I would shut myself away and cry.

High school I still had those urges and sometimes I stayed away from sex, but I always thought no-one loved me only my body. My parents were like strangers to me. I did well in school hiding my double life. One a quiet prefect, another a troubled, suicidal teen. Suicide attempts were frequent. Pills, cuts, anything that made me feel more pain than inside.

Then it happened again and I was totally lost. He had sex with me and I was too tired to fight I let him. I also felt too worthless to even put up defence. I started again to have sex with guys hoping they would love me and at the same time just not caring.

Suddenly I broke down completely. Mentally, physically, emotionally, I just broke down. I wanted to die and I prayed for death. I ran into a girl who showed me love but I often hit her badly for no reason and we broke up.

He has hurt me so badly I may never have a child. I live daily with this secret. I am seen as an angel, I don't talk and am not sexually active for years now. I am very depressed at times, just recently I tried to kill myself. People see me as role model. My question is how do I survive after rape?

- Name withheld