The Jamaica Star :: Tell Me Pastor :: Torn between the two

DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM? IS SOMETHING BOTHERING YOU? WRITE TO: TELL ME PASTOR, DR. AARON DUMAS, P.O. BOX 188, KING STREET, KINGSTON. TELEPHONE: 929 - 1667/8. E-MAIL: PASTOR@JAMAICASTAR.COM

Dear Pastor,

I am a 23-year-old African woman living in Australia. I have been here for five years. I read your column and now it is my turn to ask for advice from you. I have a massive problem that I know the answer to, but since my flesh is too weak and I am giving in to the flesh, I feel helpless.

I have fallen for a guy who sings and he is married. I met him at the shopping mall when he told me about wanting dancers for his show and I agreed to dance for him, but this turned out to be a sort of fling. The first time I met him I fell for him, but I didn't know that he was married. I later met his wife, but at the time I met her nothing was happening between him and me. They had an argument at the time I met the guy, not because of me.

Violent towards him

His wife is too violent towards him. She abuses him a lot. She doesn't want him to do music, and I heard that every time he has a show they always have problems. When his friends are at his home, she insults him in front of them and also insults his parents. She chases his friends out and never cleans the house.

Well, I know this is none of my business, but the point of writing all this is to say that he started confiding in me. I gave him a shoulder, but this shoulder turned into 'a relationship'. This guy says that he likes me and would like to develop a relationship with me, but I have been told that they are back together. I do not want to be a 'home wrecker' or the cause of problems in their household as the two have a child together and the lady has another child for a man who is now in prison.

Met another guy

The other problem is that while we were practising for the show, I met another guy whom I really liked and didn't know he liked me. We later got a chance to talk and we sort of started a relationship together. This guy thinks that I am just friends with the guy who sings, but the musician knows that I like the other guy because his close friend told him about me and the other guy.

I am not one who sleeps around or moves from man to man. This situation is all new to me. I have had intimate moments with the married man, but haven't slept with him as yet. I never thought I'd get caught in such a tangle in my life. I know the best thing to do is to flee temptation (the married man) as the Bible says, but the temptation is too strong.

I am a dead girl

I know if the wife knows about me as violent as she is, I am a dead girl. I come from a decent family and I don't want to let down my parents with this whole situation. Pastor, what I am asking for is to give me your fatherly advice or a piece of your mind and your prayers... I pray to God to help me through. I don't want to be a cause of another woman's misery.

Messing around

I like the other guy too but, I find him a little bit annoying. He is 20 and I am 23. I find it embarrassing to be messing around with a 20-year-old guy. He behaves and thinks like a 20-year-old. Comparing the two guys, the musician seems more of a player and too selfish. He only cares about his feelings and he's accusing me of being a slut, but at the same time he is charming which is a typical characteristic of players.

Please, help me, pastor. I don't want to lose both of them. I like them as friends.

N.K., Australia

Dear N.K.,

You have admitted that you have fallen in love with the singer. And it is because you are in love with him why you see his wife as an evil woman. Perhaps what you heard came from him or his so-called friends. You should not condemn this young woman because you do not know if the things you have heard are true. And even if they were, they are none of your business. Stay out of their problem.

Foolish women fail to realise that men who are always bashing their wives or the women with whom they are living, are doing so because they are trying to get in their bed. You are planning to go to bed with the singer. It is just a matter of time. And you know it. So this talk about how moral and upright you are is a joke.

If you really would like to help this singer, end the relationship with him. Do not give him your shoulder or that thing you know he desperately wants.

I further suggest that you drop the 20-year-old guy too.

Pastor