Dear Pastor,

I am 21 years old and I have been with my boyfriend for a little over four years. He is now 40. When we got together I knew he had four children, which I accepted. A few months ago, I found out he has been cheating on me relentlessly for all the years we were together and, in the process, fathered another child. This child he kept as a secret and I must say for the times we have been together, he treated me as the only woman. I truly do love him and though I had my doubts, he has been in my corner most times, causing me to believe he loves me too.

My problem is this, I can't see any way possible now or in the future of me accepting this child. Now the secret is out, he is in constant contact with the child and undoubtedly his mother too. Don't get me wrong, it's a man's duty to be a good parent to his child, but how can I deal with this? I strongly believe it's gnawing on our relationship and will ultimately lead to its demise.

For the years we have been together, we have been through a lot, but this whole cheating thing has taken the cake. I chose to forgive him because I, too, have faltered and because I love him sincerely. We agreed to go for counselling, but that has taken the back burner. I think I really need to see a counsellor. Things have been good for a while, but this issue has not been resolved for me.

NM, St Andrew, Jamaica

Dear NM,

Please bear in mind that the child the man has fathered has not done you any wrong and you need to be careful not to have the wrong attitude towards him. This man with whom you are having a relationship is very irresponsible. He doesn't think much of family life and I am not sure that he loves you as much as you love him. He is not behaving as a man who wants to settle down.

He has been very good to you by meeting your financial needs, etc, but he is not ready to settle down. Therefore, I cannot encourage you to consider him as the man who you would be able to trust. One of these days, you may hear that he has fathered a sixth child. What I am trying to say is that you should expect the worst from this man. You have a choice to make, but please do not get into any argument with the mothers of his children because you have nothing over them. And you do not know what promises he has made to them.

Pastor