Massive, mi give up! So mi name dem, so more name a drop een! One minute a di one wit di Chinese Drink name, di next is di model/actress wit di black eyebrow pencil mole, den at di same time yuh have di brown, square face one who inna Bar-Bee Paddy Cake video. Den yuh have di one wha yuh carry go Europe wid yuh di odder day name Nandi. Mi juss cyan keep up! But massive, of all of Rodney womenseseses, fi mi favourite a one next one wha name Shannon from, azzzcording to she, 1995. Massive, uno eva hear di saying 'out of di box', truss mi she gone waaaaay outta di box!

Mi say massive, one night mi and di INK roll out an go Bembe and one a Killer gangster song start play. So yuh done know everybody a Killer swing and bung bang, mi ongle feel Kaboom pinch mi say fi look pon deh gal deh a flash har finger and den a bite it up and look horny! Mi say, when mi look good, nuh Shannon. Mi nearly drop dung to backfoot when mi start laugh. Who go tell Biggy seh fi pull up di bad man tune? A pure horny look and sexy wine she put dung pon herself! Mi nuh have no doubt say Rodney never have a boring moment yet! But tell mi sumting, mi hope yuh a nuh one a dem gal deh who a pop up like 'Measles Of Unknown Origin' all inna Rodney room bout 'suuuurpriiiiise!' an him haffi tek out restraining order. Mi nuh know.

But Gavesha, tell mi sinting, a who name Tamara? Yuh done know say mi an yuh a big time fren so mi haffi look out fi yuh and all dese tings! Heh Hey! A smaddy a show mi a vibes say yuh can come out yah as often as yuh like since di 'Gully God' cyaan fly no more, but yuh still cyaan tie dung di gangster like mash dung cow. So mi juss a ask, a who name Tamara? She actually a go one university unlike smaddy who mi know who nuh stop mek chat bout dem a law student a foreign? Yuh know bout di next one who a di reeeaaal gangstress? Gully Guardess, sorry, goddess, mi nuh know. You know?

Now di ole teggeh-reg dem, who azzzcording to dem, name 'family', di singer did gih oonu no money? Nuh one a di girlfriendseseses? Oonu a girlfriendseseses too? Oonu a not even in-law yet and a so oonu waah come fight ova di man money! Lookyah, di whole a oonu and oonu long gut Mandeville family go look wuk do! An yuh see di nex girlfriendseses from Waterford who nuh stop go a party and lef yuh pickney a yard, mi waah see yuh come pon TV deh bawl bout yuh house bun dung wid him in deh! A wouldn't even sponsor yuh some spit fi mek a head start wid di cement!

But mi nuh understand some a dem hurry-come-up twingy-twangah gal yah. Wha she mean when she a pop style bout she knew she had di 'competition in the bag'? Cause up until now mi nuh know how deh outcome deh happen. But mi waah know a wha she really mean. As fi di nedder one who are never won, it look like is a good ting dem keep yuh rounah position numba 'follow-backah-mi'. Ah wha kindah photo mi hear seh a go roun wid yuh? All people a say is dat dem 'incriminating'. A wha so? Why uno cyaan keep uno personal life private? Every likkle ting uno haffi run go tek pictuh a sprawl out oonu scrawny self more often dan Paris Hilton. Well mi hope when di pictuh dem start go roun faster dan a dancehall groupie, yuh can say: "Oh-my-God! That's hot."

Renardo, mi spoonoonugoos, all doh we did ketch up cause yuh never invite none a di STAR massive a yuh wedding, yuh show mi a vibes and wi mek amends. And mi couldn't stop smiiiile when mi get mi photo dem! You and yuh wife look hot eeh? Mi happy fi oonu. Why more a dem inna entertainment won't go married and settle dung? Dem a run dung hop-scotch groupie like fool! Mi hope oonu ting last a lifetime and beyond!

Massive, mi start one new section name 'internet madness' inna di column, cause more time words cyan express some tings out deh! Mi nuh know why mi always a find some tings, but mi buck up pon one 'movie' name Green Porno and I laugh so till! (sundancechannel.com/greenporno). It a show how some insect mate. It informative; but Jah know, how di woman who dress up like di insect dem a gwaan, yuh haffi laugh!

❏ Alaine, a really you co-produce di riddim wah name 'Secrets' wid yuh husband-to-be? It look like yuh a learn one or two tings from him!

❏ Yes 'Kevin minus di Mohawk', first of all, ah how yuh a get so thick? Mind yuh tief mi from mi husband and mek mi start lef pure grown and ungodly tings pon yuh voicemail enuh! By di way massive, he are saying he and most of di breastseseses mash up, but nuttin not wrong wit lovin a woman wit curveseses! I laugh so till. Kevin to di wooorl!

❏ Ah wha? Oonu a wait fi mi say sinting bout di nasty buggah dem and di tape? Continue wait.

❏ Munga, mi nuh know why yuh a stay quiet bout di Don Corleon ting and yuh nevah do dat wid Casper? But by di way, mi nuh know why you, Alaine and Pressure go mek it so hard pon oonu self a voice fi ongle one man. Mi nuh know.

Lata massive! Tek care.