Dear Pastor,

I am in a situation in which I need your help. I have been married for two years and during this time my husband and I have not had a wonderful relationship. At first, like all marriages, I was very happy. After about two months, things started to go down hill. I have tried to go to marriage counselling like you tell so many people, but he did not want to go, so I went alone. It did not help.

He is not willing to work on our marriage. I told him that marriage is something that you have to work on everyday. I have loved him, cleaned, cooked, and never refused him sexually. I have found out that he has cheated on me three times. Just two days ago he tried to sleep with my friend. Thank God, my friend has enough respect for me that she did not do it and called me right after he left. Of course, he denied it.

I have tried everything to get him to stop this destructive behaviour. He will not do it. People are telling me that it is in the Jamaican blood, that Jamaican men cheat all the time. I am not very quick to make that assumption, being that my mother and father are white and both cheated on each other. I do not know why there are so many negative assumptions about Jamaican men, but this is not my problem.

In 2000, I met a man from Frankfield, Clarendon. I was with him from 2000 to 2004. He put me out of the apartment that we shared because we could not get along and I was naive not to put my name on the lease. I became homeless. I pulled myself out of it and I will never again depend on any man to support my basic daily needs.

I went to West Virginia one Saturday to visit a girlfriend of mine and ran into him. We talked for about two hours on the bench located in the shopping mall. I have given up a long time on my marriage. I told my husband last week that I am no longer in love with him and I would like for us to be separated before I met up with my ex.

What he really wants

My husband does not want to leave me, but his mouth says more than his actions. I have learned that actions speak louder than words. We have not had sexual relations in three months. The last time we did, I made him wear a condom because of all the times that he has cheated on me. I did not want him to give me an STD.

I am having strong feelings for my ex again. When we were together there was so much chemistry, that is was unbelievable. At the time that we broke up, I was depressed and did not want to work due to my grandmother passing. Now I am dependant upon myself and I am a stronger person. I know that I could handle the relationship with my ex. I also know that I am still very married.

What should I do? Should I let my husband go and move on with my ex, or let my ex go and live unhappily in my marriage? Please help me and let me know, and by the way, my ex and I have never have sex and I have never had sex with another man since I have been with my husband.

H.B., Virginia, U.S.A.

Dear H.B.,

I must commend you for making an attempt to resolve the issues between yourself and your husband by going for counselling. But, unfortunately, your husband (like many men) did not attend the sessions. That can mean that he is not interested in the marriage or that he thinks that he is too big to listen to a family counsellor.

Your husband is behaving as if he does not care. Perhaps he thinks that regardless of what he does, you will never leave him. I can understand why you feel that you have come to the end of your rope and you are prepared to move on. I believe that you would have tried to work out the differences with your husband. But, having met your ex-boyfriend you believe that the time has come for you to move on and start a new life with your former lover.

Before you finally go, I wonder if you will consider giving your husband another chance. I believe that now that he knows that you are seriously considering leaving him, he would be prepared to speak to a counsellor. Please, talk to him.

Pastor