Dear Pastor,

I am 23 years old and to be honest, I have never been in a lasting relationship. All my relationships seem to have problems and never last more than 8 months. They all complain that I'm too insecure, demanding and thinks the world revolves around me. I totally believe them, but I also believe that the problem is not just that. I think I show them too early how much I love them and I just need a good man to stay with me forever. I think that I may be pushing them away from me because some men are scared of seriousness too soon and from the first week of us going out, my true feeling is so obvious.

There is one guy in particular I want to tell you about. We have been close friends for the past 4 years. He was more like a best male friend to me. I would tell him about all my problems in my relationship and he would always give me honest advice. I was this person that only talked about me and never listened much to his problems, so I knew very little about his relationship side of life. From what I know, I would say he was holding back whenever he is in a relationship, but I never understand why. I was so caught up in my own world that I never asked him why. However over the past few months I didn't have anyone and neither did he. So we used to spend a lot of time on the phone and we would go out together on special occasions like birthday, Valentine's Day and just normal weekend movie or travelling to and from university together or he would come to my work place and we would leave together. But that was it; nothing more ever happened. There was only two times he made a move on me and that was in the first 2 years since we knew each other. We only kissed. At that time I only saw him as a friend and it didn't feel right as I was with some one else at the time. More importantly, his friendship meant a lot to me and I didn't want to do anything to jeopardise that.

Develop feelings

However, since November 2006, I started to develop real feelings for him. I tried to give him some clues, but he wasn't responding how I wanted him to. To be honest, I was happy because I started having this crazy thought that maybe he was the special one to make my happy days begin. For some reason I thought that because we were so close it would be easier for the connection.

As I was saying, he was not responding well to my clue so I told him how I felt and that I wanted a serious relationship. His first response was "No, I need more time to think about it". To be honest my heart felt really heavy. It was like someone hit my head really hard and I was unconscious for a second. I think he noticed how I felt, so what he did 5 minutes later was asked me if I could be his girlfriend and he actually knelt down in the cinema. I said yes because I wanted him, but I felt he did it only because he felt that was what I wanted.

It didn't work out. The relationship only lasted 3 weeks. He found all types of faults and they were almost like everything I told him when we were friends about my past relationship. Immediately after the relationship, I refused to talk to him completely. He would try to call me or send me texts asking me if I'm ok. He even mentioned it is impossible not to talk to me. Valentine's Day was coming up and he asked me to spend it with him. I said yes, because I thought I was being childish by refusing to talk to him. We went out for dinner and I ended up spending the night at his place. I was actually surprised that he didn't make a move on me. I even had to ask for a cuddle and his reply was, "We shouldn't be doing that". In the morning we went jogging and I decided to raise the relationship question again.

Bad habits

He said if I would change, we could try again. I even decided to go counselling to change the bad habits that he said I have. His response was "That's good, but do it for yourself, don't do it for me, because I don't want you to be expecting it to happen again, if it happens, it happens." When I heard him say that I couldn't help but cry. I wanted to go home, but he didn't want me to drive home alone feeling that way. So I ended up staying there until in the evening and then we left together. We talked about this whole thing, and he explained that the problem is not me, it's him.

So everything is back to normal. We are just friends now. We start to talk a lot again. We still go out together and act like a couple, except we are not. I guess it makes the break-up a lot easier, but I think if he was supposed to find a girlfriend and fall in love, I would be devastated as it would mean we would spend less time together.

Please share your view on my situation. It's so hard for me even just writing this letter.

..., London, England

Dear ..,

I suggest that you go to see a family counsellor and explain to him/her the struggles you have had over the years with men. Tell him/her that you believe that you have a problem and you would like help. Explain about this special young man who is presently in your life and how you feel about him.

Pastor