Dear Pastor,

I have been in a relationship with a guy for two years. I have three children. He is 29 and I am 30 years old. When we started dating my youngest was just one year old. We moved in together after a few months and have been living together since. The problem is that he does not act like a grown man and he doesn't help me around the house. We contribute to the household equally, but sometimes I bear most of the expenses. I sometimes ask him to take me places because he has a car and I don't, or I'll ask him to pick up the youngest child from school and I notice that he'll complain and sometimes get upset.

emotional support

I really don't ask this guy for a lot, just some support emotionally and to make me feel like his woman. I can't say that I'm all perfect because I have a very bad temper and this is stemming from the things that I went through with my former husband and other men. I've built a wall in front of me and it's very hard for me to accept anything that's negative. I feel unloved by him sometimes except when we make love, that area is good.

My biggest problem is that he acts like a big child and I get very frustrated because he will not grow up. I know I can't change him from being who he is, but he's so immature at times. Sometimes I feel like I'm too mature, but I had to grow up pretty fast when I started a family. I think I need some counselling as far as anger management is concerned, so please, if you know of any group or centre that I can visit, I would like to get the information. Thank you for reading my letter and may God continue to bless you.

C. New York

Dear C.,

I am glad that you recognised that the problem is not only wit the man but it's also on your side. Anger may be described as a way of trying to fight back. Some people use anger as a means of fighting against the feeling of depression and guilt. And yet, one should recognise that anger is an emotion that is not always bad.

Mark P. Cosgrave, Ph.D. in his book Counselling for Anger, says that "At its worst, anger at self relates to such psychological problems as depression, extreme loneliness and suicide attempts. These problems are most likely to occur when disappointments build up and other people treat us in ways that reinforce our low self image".

It is evident that you have faced many disappointments in life. You are angry with yourself and you do not find it easy to trust members of the opposite sex. You are seeking much more than they can give but you are doing so unconsciously. I do agree with you, you need counselling. There are many places that you can go. Some churches offer counselling to the general public. Look into directory and call any Baptist church and ask them to direct you to one of their centres.

Pastor

DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM? IS SOMETHING BOTHERING YOU? WRITE TO: TELL ME PASTOR, DR. AARON DUMAS, P.O. BOX 188, KING STREET, KINGSTON. FOR PERSONAL REPLIES PLEASE INCLUDE A STAMPED, SELF-ADDRESSED ENVELOPE. TELEPHONE: 929-1667/8