Dear Pastor,

I dated and married a 29-year-old man from Jamaica. He received his green card and citizenship two years ago and began to live a better lifestyle. He was able to take his siblings to the United States and they got married and obtained their papers too. His mother received her papers and visits as she likes. Now two years later, I have noticed a change in my husband's demeanour. He now claims to be a Rastafarian and uses that as an excuse not to work. For the past 2 1/2 years, he hasn't worked and he has made a career out of selling weed and partying. I've spoken to him about his behaviour, hoping he'll change. I spoke to his mom, but she just thinks he's being hard-headed. He's also cheating.

I have worked hard since I was 14 and nothing was given to me that I didn't make a sacrifice for. I never turned to hustling to risk my life and freedom for vanity. My husband has been building a house in Jamaica for approximately one year and he goes down every 4 months and leaves me with the childcare and work to do on my own. He took me to Jamaica once and all we did was go from gambling hole to gambling hole. My husband spends money like crazy. Name brand is what he desires and he doesn't lift a hand to get it, but here I am still living in a duplex, not a house. His priority seems to please only himself and his family. Now I am just left lingering by the man I loved and trusted.

I took him up with nothing and showed him how to have and maintain his self-worth and confidence. It seems that now he has too much and is using it as a weapon against me. I am at my wits end and want to leave. I don't want a man that cherishes money, power and vanity over me. I don't want to develop any hatred for him. I do have a lot of resentment for the way he treats me and the two children, but I don't want to become a bitter person. It seems as if he's so content when I allow him to upset me. This is a battle that is beginning to make me weak. I only feel good when I'm at work and yes I am very stressed out mentally. Right now he's in Jamaica and he only called the day he landed.

Outside child

Pastor, in my heart I feel like his mother has had a lot of input into certain choices and behaviours that my husband has displayed. Her character is phony at times. For instance, my husband has an outside child that is 6 months younger than our last son. I explained to my mother-in-law that the child's mother was seeking child support for the child and she wants my husband's social security number. After talking to my husband and telling him that the right thing to do is to care for and develop a relationship with his child, my husband told me no. While explaining this to my mother-in-law, she said that I should not give the child's mother anything.

Pastor, if you could see first hand the number of children that are here in the United States, born to Jamaican men and they don't know their fathers, their culture or their grandparents. It is so sad, pastor. How can I walk away without hatred in my heart for a man that I feel will do the same to our children? I know I am going to divorce him, but should I seek to do so as soon as possible or wait a year? May God bless you and your family.

C.W., Orlando, Florida

Dear C.W.,

I can't encourage you to stay with this man if he continues to deal with illegal drugs. Sometimes when wives do not object to their husbands who deal in drugs, the women get into trouble with the law. Often, their homes are raided and the adults arrested. Don't be surprised if one of these days your husband is arrested and thrown in jail. He may think that he is clever but he may be under surveillance.

May I suggest that you talk to your husband about the matter. Make him know that you are serious about leaving him if he does not change. Insist that both of you go for counselling. If he refuses to do so, do your thing and don't look back.

Every good man supports his children, whether they are born in or out of wedlock.

Pastor