Dear Pastor,

I hope that you are in the best of health. I am going through some problems which I pray you can help me with. I have been with my husband for about eleven years now, but we have been married for seven years. We have two children together, a boy, who is 10 years old, and a girl, who is 4 years old. My husband is the type of man who does not know how to say that he is sorry whenever he hurts me. We always quarrel about little things and I am the one who always says that I am sorry.

The other night he talked down to me in front of his friends. I felt offended. We were coming from a funeral and when we almost reached home, we passed KFC and I told him that he should stop and buy food for us. He replied "A bright you bright," three times. His friend was in the car and I felt very ashamed. About three days later, his other friend came and asked him to take him to Kingston the next day. He asked me what time was I going to work in the morning, I told him 2:00 p.m. and he said that he was leaving at 3:00 a.m. to go in to town. I jokingly said that he should make sure that he takes the children to their grandmother to stay until he gets back. He said that I was talking foolishness. I felt ashamed again because his friend was there. Why does he do that? How can a man talk to his wife like that in front of his friends? I told him that I was hurt and he did not even say that he was sorry.

It has been three weeks now since the incident and we haven't talked on a normal basis. I only talk to him when I have something very important to say. Instead of apologising, he malices me and if I do not go and talk to him, he will malice me forever. How can he say that he loves me and takes every opportunity he gets to malice me?

No sex

Since the incident, we haven't had sex. He goes out sometimes and comes in late. I really do not know if he is cheating on me. I do not know what to think. He looks OK when we are not talking but I am unhappy. We are in bed like two strangers and he does not seem to be affected by it. Do you think he loves me? Do you think he has someone else?

Please tell me what to do. When things are right, it is really beautiful between us, but it does not last long because we are always getting into arguments. When I will get upset for two minutes, he stays upset for two days. Sometimes I feel like walking out of this marriage because I am unhappy most of the times. I love him with all my heart. I have never cheated because I know that it is wrong. I do not know if he has ever done it, I only can assume.

About four years ago, I did a Pap smear and the result said that I had trichomoniasis, which is an STD. The doctor told me that sometimes the diagnosis is wrong and I should get a second opinion. It was those words I took comfort in and told myself that it was a mistake. I did not get the second opinion, I only took the treatment but sometimes I wonder. Every year though, I do a Pap smear and I am in good health.

Pressure

Another problem that I have with my husband is that he watches to see if I am going to pressure him for sex. If he is the one to make the first move tonight, tomorrow or the other nights he watches to see if I am going to make the first move. I think if you love someone and really want them, it does not matter who makes the first move. Maybe he is just using that as an excuse not to have sex with me. I do not know. I am so confused.

Sometimes we are all over each other and the sex is good and then there are times when he just lies there and is just not interested. Sometimes I have to make the move night after night. When I ask him if he has lost interest, he will reply "Can't you touch me too?" Do you think he is interested or is it that he is getting it from someone else? Sometimes I want to be alone. He is breaking me down. My husband has the ability to make me the happiest wife on earth. So why is he treating me this way? He is a builder and I am a government worker, so most of the times I am paying all the bills and taking care of the children. I do not mind doing all of the above but I just want to feel appreciated and loved.

When we first started talking I was eighteen years and he was 19 years. Now I am 29 years and he is 30 years. This man does not know his priority in life. He treats strangers better than how he treats me. When I reach home from work, he is going to cover up with the sheet and go straight to bed. I just want him to hold me and make me feel like he wants and misses me. I just want him to tell me that he loves and adores me once in a while.

Pastor, how do I get out of this marriage? I am so sad. I cry and I pray. Sometimes I tell myself that I am not going to bother pray for my husband. I think that I will find happiness alone if my husband and I should part. I love him so much but he does not deserve a love like mine. My love is pure, true and honest. Since I was 18 years old till now, he is the only one that has been touching me. You do not easily find the type of woman who is faithful to one man for so long. I want our marriage to work but now I want out. I am taking all the foolishness. I am sad and I want to stop loving him. How do I do it? Please, help me.

Worried married woman.

Dear Worried married woman.

I am glad that you are in love with your husband. I believe that he is in love with you too. The problems that both of you face together can be resolved. Both of you need to go for counselling. Perish the thought of leaving your husband. True, he is doing some foolish things and he needs to control his anger. You are a good wife and he is a good husband. Don't leave him, but insist that both of you go for counselling.

Before I go, let me caution you. Never accuse him of cheating unless you know for sure that he is guilty. Right now, you have no proof, so don't give him the impression that you think that he is.

Pastor