Dear Pastor,

I am a 24-year-old living in England. I have a problem and I don't know what to do. The problem is that I used to be in a relationship with this guy for three years. I loved him with all my heart and I have never cheated on him. I did everything for this guy. He was my soul mate. In December 2004, something happened. I caught him in bed with another woman. He told me a week before that this woman was his cousin. I had a breakdown. I was at a point where I didn't know myself and I didn't want to talk to anyone. I even lost my job because I didn't turn up to work for days.

I broke up with him. I wish I never have to see his face again. He hurt me so badly. Now a year has passed and I can't get over what happened. Since then, I have been out with two guys. I would say I used them just to get over my ex. I didn't have any feeling for them. I didn't want to be with them. I took all my anger out on them. I didn't want anything from them.

At the moment, I don't know what to do.

I met another man three months ago. We've been going out and he has never asked me for sex. He is a single man and he is very respectable. The thing is I am so afraid to fall in love with him because I'm still upset with my ex and I don't want to take out my anger on him as well. There are times I feel so cross as if I don't want to be with any man.

Please could you tell me what to do?

T.G., London, England

Dear T. G.,

I regret hearing what happened to you and what your ex-boyfriend did. It must have been terrible for you to have seen him in bed with another woman. The incident affected you and it is still bothering you even today. Unfortunately, you are still struggling with lack of trust for men. You really should not be in any relationship until you have totally overcome the trauma of your ex-boyfriend.

You may think that you used the guys with whom you went out, but you didn't. You were trying to get over your ex-boyfriend, but that was not the way to go about it. You are going with a young man now and according to you, he is a wonderful fellow, but you don't know how to trust him. You feel that all men are the same and you believe that he may do exactly what your ex-boyfriend did.

What you really need, my dear, is therapy. You need to see a psychologist who will help you step by step to overcome your hurt and how to develop a stable relationship. Believe me, you may not like what I am about to say, but to start the healing process, you will have to forgive your past boyfriend for what he did to you. You are not hurting him by remaining angry, you are hurting yourself.

I thank you for writing. May God bless you.

Pastor