Dear Pastor,

I have been reading your column for a long time and I hope you can help me. I have been seeing this man for the past two years. We were friends before we decided we wanted to pursue a relationship. A week after we decided to pursue a relationship, I received a call from a woman who said she is his wife. I did not know he was married. Even throughout our friendship, he didn't mention it and I was not curious to ask.

I am not the type to question my friends, especially male friends about their private lives. The day I found out he and I had a talk and he convinced me that this marriage is not what he wanted. Being that he was my 'friend', I believed him and decided to pursue the relationship.

still communicating

Within the two years a lot of things have happened including a confrontation with his wife. I found out that he was still communicating with her via e-mail and phone. They have children together and I expect them to communicate, but not the type of conversations that they do have.

It reached to the point where I would drive by his house to see if she's there. And on numerous occasions, I have seen her car there, even at two and three in the morning. I work close to where he lives and sometimes I would see her car there the night before and the next morning on my way to work.

I have been begging him to get a divorce and he tells me when he is ready he will do it. He tells me he loves me and wants to be with me. I don't believe him. His wife and I have spoken over the phone on several occasions and he is basically telling her the same things he tells me. Last year I became very suspicious about him seeing another women and it came to pass in November. I begged him to stop talking to that other woman and he refused. He has called me names and told me that his wife is prettier than I am. He said he was not with me for my looks.

He blamed me for the confrontation that I had with his wife and said that it was my fault. The night of the confrontation, he told me in front of his wife that he wanted to be with her, but I didn't let him. Instead, I got physical with her. I treated this man and his children very well. In fact, as if I was married to him.

He told me a lot of negative things about his wife and I couldn't understand why he wanted to still be with her. I have witnessed first hand that she doesn't really want her children and the relationship between them is not really about the children.

We don't really have a sex life. Over the past year and a half we have only had sex once in a while, not like a normal loving relationship. He says I do things that push him away from me. He stopped allowing me to visit his house because he says I snoop around his house. I have not snooped around his house. The only thing I did was open his phone bill and found out that he was calling all three of us in the mornings.

the other, other girl

The girl that he told me was his friend, he was calling her at least six times a day. I also saw mail for his wife at his house. If I didn't mention it before, he and his wife doesn't live together. He told me I don't have the right to tell him when and where his wife should be and not be at his house. I have received numerous emails from her detailing the conversations that they have. He pretty much begs her to be with him and when confronted, he tries to convince me that I am what he wants.

I have cheated on him and I felt really bad about it. I did it only because he was not hiding the fact that he was sleeping with his wife. He asked me if I have ever cheated on him and I told him I came close to doing so. I feel as though if I told him the truth he would use it as an excuse to make it my fault as to why the relationship didn't work out.

There is so much more, but the bottom line is that I really do love this guy and I wish I could have a life with him, but it doesn't look that way. I know that this kind of relationship is not for me and I am far better than this.

Why can't I let him go? Thank you.

K.S., Canada

Dear K.S.,

You are not letting him go because you don't want to let him go. He told you in the presence of his wife that he doesn't want you. But you think that you have something over him, so if you want to continue to make yourself a fool, it is up to you. Perhaps his wife doesn't want to live with him, but she wants to have a visiting relationship. She wants to feel free to go to his house and sleep with him whenever she feels like it and she knows that he will not turn her away.

He is a 'wild man'. So whenever he wants to have sex with you and you are available, he does it. But you are not special in his life. Bear in mind also that there is a third woman. If his wife is not available for a night and you are not available, the third woman is likely to be available. Now if this man has three women, he is not going to be able to have sex with you as often as you would like him to do.

You are making yourself look silly. If you really want to leave him, you would. This man is a liar and it will do you no good to blame his wife for anything.

Pastor

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