Dear Pastor,
I am having a huge problem about a decision I made concerning my babyfather. We have been together for 11 years and I have lived with him for seven of those years. We were such a couple that people admired us. He asked me to marry him when I was pregnant with his second child. I told him I wasn't ready and we couldn't get married until we could afford a wedding that could accommodate my mother and the rest of my family.
After having my baby, I came under great pressure from my landlord. I felt like I was going insane; I didn't want to make love to my boyfriend anymore. I was confused and so depressed. I couldn't handle the situation with my landlord. My boyfriend got upset and cheated on me. I was feeling so down. I felt like all the persons I trusted had let me down. He begged for forgiveness and although it was very hard, I forgave him and he regained my trust.
We moved from that house about two years ago. I was happy when we left. But after a few months I was having these uncomfortable feelings again. I was so depressed because I was not working and my boyfriend could not support me the way he wanted to. I couldn't make love to him like I used to. And he began saying that he could see that I didn't love him the way I used to. One moment we are happy and the next we are quarrelling. He cheated on me again. This time I cheated back. I told him that I still loved him but I was going through a lot of stress and anxiety.
A few months ago he asked me if he could have a girlfriend. I said "no" and asked him why. He said he loves sex and he's not getting it regularly from me. He asked again and this time I said "yes". He told me that women often offer him sex. I later noticed that he was not coming home as he used to. He is a police officer. If I had known that he was considering having another relationship, I wouldn't have agreed for him to see other people.
I searched his phone and found text messages from the girl. In the message she said she doesn't want to get hurt, as she has been hurt in the past. I didn't say anything to him right away. I called the phone number and a young man answered, so I hung up. One day in the week he did not come home. I didn't say anything to him. I called the girl again, but I got her voice mail. I called his number about 7:30 one Saturday morning and the girl answered. Just as I was about to ask who she was, my phone battery went dead. When he returned the Sunday night I confronted him about it and he admitted that he was coming from his girlfriend's house.
PERMISSION
I got angry and started to quarrel, and then he told me that I was the one who gave him permission to have a girlfriend and I shouldn't give her any trouble, because she's not troubling me. He said he loves both of us and that she is a nice person who is just like me. He also asked why I was questioning him about her. He even said if I met her I would probably like her too. I told him to end the relationship because it was stressing me out. I can't stand it when he's with her and I can't stop crying. I told him how I felt and he told me not to worry, he's not going to leave me. He told me I should not worry, because she's not worried.
His female friends told him that as long as their men use a condom, it doesn't bother them. I asked him why I should sacrifice my happiness and my children's for him to be with her. He said I am not sacrificing anything and he is the only one having sex with her.
I love him. He has always been a dedicated father to his children and to me. He says every man has a woman on the side and some men have at least five. And he is only keeping one and I can't accept it. He asked why I am hurting this much and we're not married and how am I going to cope for the rest of my life. I really love him, but it's really hard for me to accept this woman on the side. I will not pretend to be happy when it's killing me inside.
When my children wake up in the mornings and they don't see their father, they ask me if he came home. I tell them no. My daughter knows what is going on. She understands. Sometimes when I sit and cry, my son says "mummy why are you crying?" and all I can say is "your dad is the reason I'm crying". I am so worried that I'll lose him if I don't accept this. After all these years of suffering together someone has come between us. Will I ever get over it?
I called her phone about 9:30 one night and told her to leave my man alone. She then called and told him. He confronted me about it and said he told me not to call or text the woman. I asked him if he would accept me having another man and he said it's my body and he's not the one feeling any pain. Then he said if I would really give him 'bun'. I said yes of course. I would do it to make him realise what I'm going through.
I'm a song writer and I also write poems and deejay. I have a couple of recording songs but they haven't been released yet because I do not have the money to pursue them.
Pastor, when I used to pray, I asked God to bind us together but now when I pray I ask God if he is the right person for me or not. When I was growing up I always asked God to use me because I wanted to be his prophet and servant and I still do. I need to give back my life to the Lord and trust Him. He will work things out because He has the power to make the impossible, possible. All you have to do is trust in Him and obey His words.
Please pray for me that God will give me strength in whatever decision I make. God bless you.
D. R.,
Jamaica
Dear D. R.,
This man cheated, you found out, you forgave him. You cheated, but he hasn't found out. He asked you whether he could have a girlfriend and you said yes. Now, what he is doing is killing you slowly. He is not prepared to give up his girlfriend. He wants you to accept his lifestyle. You know the young woman he has as his girlfriend wants to make the relationship permanent. She has clearly said she doesn't want to get hurt again.
I suggest, therefore, that you protect yourself. If you are going to have sex with this man, insist that he uses a condom. But you need to go further. You know that you should not have given him permission to have a girlfriend. He will always remind you of this. If you cherish happiness, you should do everything in your power to get a job and end the relationship with this man.
Pastor
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