Tell Me Pastor

'BUNUNDRUM'

DEAR PASTOR,

I am writing you this letter hoping to get sound advice. I have been having an affair for the past 11 years. It started out when I found out that my husband to whom I am married for the past 16 years was having an affair.

He was having an affair with another woman and he was living with me. People said things to me about him, but I never believed. I wanted to find out for myself. My eldest daughter went to this woman's house and saw some clothes belonging to my husband there. He started staying out late at nights and coming home early mornings. Pastor, that kind of behaviour I could not put up with. I found out that the woman was pregnant, so I threw him out of the house.

Sweets

I met this other man whom I love dearly. He was working next door to my place. From the first time I met this man, I connected with him. We spoke about the problems I was experiencing. He gets along well with my children and he even bought them sweets. My husband was not living at home anymore, so I started dating him. He also has a baby mother, but they were not together at the time.

He and his 'baby mother' went back together and my husband found out that I was having an affair with him. My husband and my boyfriend had a fight. I took back my husband because of the children, and he went back to his baby mother because of his child. However, he said we should still see each other.

Better lover

We continued our affair and I am finding it hard to leave him because he is so kind to me, and he is a very nice lover. I am still with my husband, but I have sex with him more often than with my husband. I also have more feelings for him than my husband. I almost went crazy because of the things my husband put me through. When he left me to live with his baby mother, I had to turn to my lover for support.

I don't want to leave my husband because of the affair. I am confused. Please give me your fatherly advice, because I have no intention of leaving my lover, unless he leaves me.

E.M., London, England

Dear E.M.,

As I see it, you don't want to leave the man you describe as your lover for three reasons: (1) he has been very good to your children and you after you threw your husband out. (2) Your husband has caused you to suffer psychologically and emotionally and (3) you have discovered that this man is a better lover than your husband.

You are faced with the dilemma because your husband is not willing to leave you again and you are not willing to leave your lover. You are playing a big game. These two men already had a physical fight over you and if your husband comes to realise that both of you are still going to bed, he may blame the man, and this time both of them may fight again, and one may kill the other.

Giving 'bun'

I have observed that you have not said that your husband is having an affair with anybody at the moment. You wont stand for that, but at the same time you continue to give him 'bun'. You indicated that you would not be worried if your husband should leave you. So you seem to be saying that you really don't care for him anymore.

Madam, when you took back your husband and this man went back to his girlfriend, you should have ended everything there. If you don't want your husband, divorce him, but don't play this dangerous game. Somebody will get hurt. It is only a matter of time.

Pastor