Tell Me Pastor

MESSED UP MAN

Dear Pastor,

Good day to you. I desperately need your help in finding a counsellor or local helpline for a friend of mine.

He is 25 and is going through a hard time and a period of carefree living. He was raped at the age of 10 by his mother's boyfriend, then his life started going down hill from there. He ran away and found himself among other adults who promised to help him out 'during his teen years'.

In a few instances he ended up being used by these people. He was held down by a few men and was forced to do sexual things while he was wandering on the streets. What his common-law step-father did to him had messed him up mentally and he found himself running away and getting into problems here and there.

He is now a profound sex addict. He sleeps around with a lot of women. He let me know that he can't stand for his bed to be empty or for him to be alone because the homosexual rape/memories keep haunting him and sometimes he is afraid that he is gay.

At times he has gay fantasies, but he insists he is NOT gay. I think the whole experience he had as a kid has made him confused. He now behaves like a sociopath, very gentle, cunning and deceitful. He told me that the experience left him hating people in general.

He mimics the behaviour of how he thinks a man should behave, but in reality he doesn't feel much emotion for humans. The only time he feels alive is when he's having sex. I am afraid that he will die of AIDS or waste his life away from sleeping around and deceiving woman after woman.

He said he would like to try counselling, but he can't afford it. Whenever I look in his eyes I can see the distant look and lack of emotion. Every now and then he breaks down and cries or locks himself away in a dark corner.

On one hand, he is kind and loving or he pretends to be, but when people get to see how he really lives, they question his mental health. I fear that he may turn around and molest little boys as well because he expressed having some anger. He said at one point that he has thought about doing back to others all that was done to him.

He only talks to me because I don't live in his community, and he trusts me that I won't tell others. However, I can tell that there is a lot more going on that he has not shared with me. He also has a bad relationship with his mother who practically abandoned him when he was very young, then reappeared and took him to live with her at around age 10.

Could you please refer me to any local counselling centre for male rape victims etc.? He NEEDS help! He's getting ready to become a father and he's afraid of how he'll cope. Why do men have to suffer in silence? Please help my friend to find a support group.

E.J. St. Andrew

Dear E. J.,

Your letter has raised many questions in my mind which I will not put in print. Suffice to say, however, that if this man is preparing to become a father and he wishes to deal with his past and his present struggles, he should be prepared to seek help for himself.

What I am trying to say is that if this man cannot pay for counselling sessions, how is it that he is preparing himself to be a father? How will he support his child?

Are you the woman who is carrying his baby and you are concerned about what may happen? Would you please ask this man to call the Family Life Ministries for help?

Pastor