Tell Me Pastor

Having sexual desires for my cousin

DEAR PASTOR,

I would like to tell you that I've been reading your column since I was in first form and I am glad to inform you that it has been my number one source of entertainment and also source of guidance. Pastor, I believe that you are also a fair and just person when giving advice, and I want you to give me advice on this problem that has been troubling me for the past three years.

At 14, my cousin's brother persuaded me to have sex with him and I subsequently gave in because of the sensual and sexual things he was doing to me. From that day on, he has been harassing me and also threatened at one point to continue what happened before. One day I told him with tears in my eyes that I wanted him to stop looking at me with lust in his eyes and to also stop touching me inappropriately, but he refused.

Devastating impact

In the end, he stopped behaving like that by ignoring me, which is good. But here is the serious problem now. Pastor, I can't stop thinking about him whenever I am in an intimate situation with another male because of the fact that he was so good. Pastor I know it is wrong, but I can't seem to get him out of my mind. Many times I sit down and wonder if I will ever find a man that is as sexy and seductive as him. At one point, I was going to tell my family about what he did, but I'm very afraid that this incident would leave a devastating impact on them because of the fact that they put him on such a high pedestal due to his profession.

Please help me.

J.B., St. Andrew

Dear J.B.,

Although you said this man seduced you, he broke the law, and he is fortunate that you did not report him. You letter suggests that this affair was not a one time act, but that he continued to have sex with you for a while until you felt that you could not deal with the matter anymore. The truth is, you need therapy. You were not ready for sex when you engaged in it and you find it difficult now to relate to another man because of this "sensual" encounter you experienced with this man.

Explore together

You need to understand that you should not judge any man on your previous encounter. What you need to experience from a man is genuine love. Sex is secondary. I don't want to be misunderstood. I am not saying that sex is not important, but people who put sex as the number one priority are often disappointed because the relationship was not started on a solid foundation.

If for example you were to meet a man, both of you can learn how to satisfy each other. Spouses ought to teach each other and explore together. But let me get back to what I said before, seek the help of a family counsellor, or psychologist.

I should also let you know that you will never forget what happened when you were 14, but a psychologist can help you to learn how to put that encounter behind you.

Pastor