Tell Me Pastor

OLIVE TWIST

DEAR PASTOR,

I am a 32-year-old woman and a single parent. I have been in a relationship for the past eight months with a gentleman who I care a lot about. I also believe he cares about me as well.

However, at this point in our relationship I feel somewhat neglected by him. The circumstances are not new. I just feel fed up with being last on his list -- if I am on it at all. He has been taking care of his family over this period of time which I do understand is a part of his responsibility. As a matter of fact, that is one of the things I love about him.

My problem is I feel like I am just a second thought in is life. As if I am on the "back burner" until future notice.

When he feels guilty or someone else points out that he is neglecting me, I may get some attention.

For instance, he got three weeks off for the summer and I got to spend one day with him. And, this was only because I asked him to come and see me and he didn't so I got mad and didn't call him -- so he came. I should mention we live in two different cities, and it is a two-hour drive to come and see me.

I have seen him four times each month except during the summer because of family obligations. Since May, I have seen him three times and each time for one day, that is, one day in June, one day in July and one day in August.

He is very respectful to me and my children. He really doesn't want to take me for granted but I believe his old-fashioned Jamaican ways make it difficult for him to be a support system for me. When I need someone to say "everything is going to be Okay", he hasn't been there for that.

Running after him

Recently, I was alone for the weekend and I had nothing to do. I couldn't afford to go and see him. I do not drive and so I spent the entire time reflecting on my life and missing my kids. He didn't call me once and didn't really talk to me when I called him. Now, it feels as though I'm running after him. I told him I didn't really have a relationship because no one can have a relationship by them self. He got very upset and this time I didn't back down. I gave it to him straight and I hung up the phone on him. When I was finished, I felt terrible because I know he is under a lot of pressure and I need to be more understanding. I just feel like I have no one in this entire world and he isn't really there for me at all.

Am I expecting too much from him or am I just feeling sorry for myself? I didn't really want to be so hard on him but sometimes he can be so self-absorbed that he completely disregards me.

Please let me know what you think I should do. Am I holding on to something that isn't really anything to hold on to? I am certain he is not cheating on me. That is not the question, how much longer should I wait?.

Name and address withheld by request.

Dear ...,

You want my honest opinion. So here it is: You are wasting your time with this man. No one can be too busy to see the one he claims he loves. No job in the world will keep a man away from his woman for a long time. Stop worrying about this man. He is not leveling with you. He has other plans and you are not included.

Pastor