Tell Me Pastor

Double trouble

Dear Pastor,

Heavenly blessings. I am very confused as to what to expect out of life. I was grown up to be a God-fearing, decent, young lady, but drastically my life style was changed to fit in with my peers. I never used to have a boyfriend or go on dates. I would pretend to be a typical female around my friends and tell them lies about me having boyfriends.

I had my first kiss after my 21st birthday and I only did it for the experience. I started dating another guy after that, and we were still seeing each other for a while. I found out he was cheating on me. We went to a function, and he also invited his other girlfriend, although he was the one who came for me. Our relationship was on and off. I became insecure after the incident. I even felt suicidal, but I continued living for family and friends. I was lonely and bored when I started talking to him. I told myself maybe I didn't deserve better so I continued talking to him.

We started having sex but I didn't like it, because it was too painful. I was trying to make the decision of whether to stay with him or not, and I talked to a friend of ours about it. I had always liked this other guy, but I thought he did not like me. He then told me he liked me, but the problem with him is he thinks my religion is rubbish and my family will not like him. He would call me more often than my boyfriend and whenever I called my boyfriend and he doesn't answer I would call the other guy who would always be there. Things got out of hand and we started kissing and then having sex, and surprisingly I enjoyed it.

The problem is I really love my boyfriend. He is not there most of the times. And I repeat, I don't enjoy sex with him. He doesn't even pretend to be faithful and he earns less than I, so he can't afford to take me out or buy me anything. I don't trust the other guy because he has to go home every weekend.

He never answers a question directly. He seems like a nice person so he could have some other girlfriends. I go to church on Sundays, but I don't have the time for other social activities and without these guys I get really lonely, bored and distressed. Please I need your fatherly advice.

S.G., St. Andrew

Dear S.G.,

You have to make up your mind. You have to decide which of these men is going to be your steady and intimate boyfriend. You shouldn't be having sexual intercourse with both of them. You are putting your life in jeopardy. And you are also adding stress to your life. You are doubtful about the guy with whom you enjoy sex. You feel that he may have other women. On the other hand you know you cannot trust your first boyfriend. It seems to me that you have made a few mistakes, and they are likely to cause you to suffer from depression. No woman wants to know that her man is cheating.

It is very troubling to her especially when the man seems not to care, and is not sensitive to her feelings. I believe the time has come for you to tell your first boyfriend that you will not tolerate his behaviour anymore. You see, my dear, it is not only love that keeps people together. It is honesty, respect, good communication among other things. Although you love the other young man you are uneasy about the relationship because he is not communicating well with you either.

You believe that he is hiding something from you. Perhaps you are correct. I suggest that you tell him that if both of you are to continue having a relationship then both of you should go to a counsellor. The counsellor is trained to ask certain questions and he or she is likely to get the truth out of him. If he is not willing to go for counselling then you would know that he is not serious about the relationship.

You need to get a life. You don't have to rely on men to take you out. Go out with the girls sometimes on weekends and have a good time. Make new friends. If you want to have friends you will have to make yourself friendly.

Pastor