Tell Me Pastor

...but, who's the father?

Dear Pastor,

I am a new reader of your column and I enjoy reading it but I am here with a bit of trouble of my own. You see, I am 17 years old and I was born in the United States of America, but my parents are Jamaicans, so we would visit Jamaica every other summer.

Now that I am older we don't take vacations to Jamaica anymore. If I would like to visit, I would have to go by myself or go with a family member, which I would rather do.

The reason I am writing is because I am confused and depressed and I really do not know what to do. You see, I graduated in June 2003 from high school and I was on summer break. One night some friends and I went out to a nightclub for teens. That is where I met my present boyfriend who was 19 years old at the time. He is now 20.

Just be friends

While we were at the club we danced and talked and we got to know each other better. Then he expressed that he loved the way I moved my waistline. We laughed and before he left the club, he made sure to ask me for my number. I told him I had a boyfriend and he told me it was okay we could be friends. Two months ago my boyfriend and I broke up because he found out that I was talking to this guy on the phone and going out with him and his friends. I then got with my present boyfriend. After a month and a half of dating, I had sex with him for the first time and I really liked it because he made it romantic and special. It wasn't like the way my friends experienced sex with their boyfriends.

Two days later I went back and slept with my ex-boyfriend because I still enjoy sleeping with him and I also missed him in some weird way. A week ago my mom took me to the doctor and I found out that I was three weeks pregnant. I really don't know which of them is the father of my baby.

Sometimes I lay in my bed and cry because I really love my present boyfriend and he treats me well and respects me in every way. My ex never did. He is also happy about my being pregnant. I really want to tell him what I did, but then I don't want to lose him. I truly love him.

This is just one mistake I made in my young life which will never happen again but how can I make him understand that I am sorry and I will never let anything like that happen again?

So, Pastor, I come to you to ask for your fatherly advice because I do love this person. I think I just went insane for that one day.

B.J., West Palm Beach, Florida

Dear B.J.,

I suggest that you discuss this matter with your parents. Tell them the absolute truth so that if any question is raised later on about paternity, they will not be surprised. They won't kill you. If you feel your mother would hit the roof, write her a letter. Some fathers are approachable and understanding. Others are not, so you should know which one would be more sympathetic to your situation.

As the old saying goes, 'You can't play with fire and not get burnt'. You played with fire and got seriously burnt. I am sorry you had unprotected sex. It seems to me that you have told your present boyfriend that he impregnated you. Or is it that he has taken it for granted that he did it? If you were to tell him that you slept with your ex-boyfriend, he may pull away from you immediately. He may say that he is not sure that he is responsible for your pregnancy.

I therefore suggest that you keep quiet about what you did. After you have given birth, a paternity test may be taken to prove who is indeed the father of the child. But that should only be done if you continue to have doubts in your mind about who is the father, or if he expresses doubts as to whether or not he is the father.

Pastor.